T. R. Smith, comp. Poetica Erotica: Rare and Curious Amatory Verse. 1921–22.
Billy and His Mistress
Bagford Ballads(Another Version) (Anonymous. 1684. From Bagford Ballads, Pt. III.) |
COME sit thee down, Billy, I have something to say, | |
| In my mind I have kept it this many a day; | |
| Your master, you know, is a fool and a sot, | |
| And nothing he minds but the pipe and the pot: | |
| And if they pursue us, to the gazette we’ll fly, | 5 |
| I’ll pull off my patteens, and on my back lie. | |
| Till twelve or till one he seldom comes home, | |
| And then he’s so drunk that he lies like a drone; | |
| Such usage as this would make anyone mad, | |
| And a woman must have it where ’tis to be had: And if they pursue us, etc. | 10 |
| O my dearest Mistress, this never can be, | |
| That you should affect such a fellow as me; | |
| But heaven forbid, though I am but your man, | |
| That I should refuse to do all that I can: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| Your master’s diseased with gout and with stitches, | 15 |
| And nothing he can do but pull down his breeches; | |
| And then he stands shaking as though he was dead, | |
| And so like a woodcock he hangs down his head: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| O my dearest Mistress, I cannot deny, | |
| For I find myself able your wants to supply; | 20 |
| And if you’ll support me with coin and with cash, | |
| We’ll drink while my master shall bray like an ass: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| Prithee, my Billy, now do not mistrust, | |
| In pocket and placket to thee I’ll be just; | |
| Keep touch with your master, and then you shall see, | 25 |
| We’ll make his bags fly all where ever he be: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| O my dearest Mistress, but here lies the touch, | |
| My wife at our pleasure will grumble and grutch; | |
| She hath a quick eye, and her passion is strong, | |
| She’ll shake our foundation or ere it be long: And if they pursue us, etc. | 30 |
| O my dearest Billy, why dost thou love she, | |
| If thou dost, Billy, thou canst not love me; | |
| For I never knew it all the days of my life, | |
| That any man loved both his whore and his wife: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| To make him a cuckold none’s fitter than thee, | 35 |
| For the fool won’t believe it although he doth see; | |
| A pint of burnt brandy, a pipe, and a coal, | |
| Here’s a good health to Billy and to Billy’s hole: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| What though I do fight and endeavor to kill, | |
| Yet my brave Billy will take my part still; | 40 |
| And I will do with him as long as I can, | |
| So long as I know he’s a lusty young man: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| I thank thee now, Billy, for my flat fish, | |
| And long did I think it ere I had my wish; | |
| And if we do meet at the Bird-in-Hand door, | 45 |
| We’ll call for a room, and we’ll dance on the floor: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| Then Billy’s wife she looked in at the door, | |
| What a devil, quoth she, do you down on the floor? | |
| A dressing of flounders which you sent me last. | |
| What a devil, quoth she, do you make sauce with your arse? And if they pursue us, etc. | 50 |
| As for our neighbors they are but all fools, | |
| To meddle or make, because we use our own tools; | |
| Pray then will you tell me, wherefore they were made, | |
| And if to use ’em, we should be afraid; And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| As for the small Hobnails, I have had none of those, | 55 |
| To spoil my cold face, nor to hurt my red nose; | |
| The great ones are they which I most do fear, | |
| If they come below they will spoil my best ware: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| And still we’ll be merry, and leave off all passion, | |
| I had rather be dead than to live out of fashion; | 60 |
| My father and mother they were of that trade, | |
| And I for that purpose so brazen was made: And if they pursue us, etc. | |
| But as for the Gazette, we’ll come no more there, | |
| For why? They do keep an old screeking chair; | |
| Beside that, the woman’s a blab of her tongue, | 65 |
| And we’ll find out another place ere it be long: | |
| And if they pursue us they shall ne’er find us out, | |
| And yet we are resolved to have the other bout. | |