T. R. Smith, comp. Poetica Erotica: Rare and Curious Amatory Verse. 1921–22.
An Amorous Dialogue between John and His Mistress
Roxburghe BalladsBeing a Complete and True Relation of Some Merry Passages between the Mistris and Her Apprentice, Who Pleased Her So Well, That She Rewarded Him with Fifty Broadpieces for His Pains
[1572–76] |
COME, John, sit thee down, I have somewhat to say, | |
In my mind I have kept it this many a day, | |
Your master you know is a Fool, and a Sot, | |
And minds nothing else but the Pipe and the Pot. | |
Till twelve or till one he will never come home, | 5 |
And then he’s so drunk that he lies like a Mome: | |
Such usage as this would make any one mad, | |
But a Woman will have it if ’tis to be had. | |
’Tis true forsooth, mistris, the case is but hard, | |
That a woman should be of her pleasure debarred: | 10 |
But ’tis the sad fate of a thousand beside, | |
Or else the whole City is fouly belied: | |
There is not a man amoung twenty that thrives, | |
Not ten in fifteen that do lie with their Wives: | |
Yet still you had better be merry than sad, | 15 |
And take it wherever it is to be had. | |
But John, ’tis a difficult matter to find, | |
A man that is trusty and constantly kind: | |
An Inns-of-Court Gallant he cringes and bows, | |
He’s presently known by his Oaths and his Vows, | 20 |
And though both his clothes and his speeches be gay, | |
Yet he loves you but only a night and away: | |
Such usage as this would make any one mad, | |
Yet a woman will have it, if ’tis to be had. | |
What think you of one that belongs to the Court, | 25 |
They say they are youthful, and given to sport: | |
He’ll present you with bracelets, and jewels, and Rings, | |
With stones that are precious and twenty fine things; | |
Or if you are not for the Court nor the Town, | |
What think you forsooth of a man with a Gown? | 30 |
You must have I gallant, a good or a bad, | |
And take it where ever it is to be had. | |
THE SECOND PART No, John, I confess that not any of these, | |
Had ever the power my fancy to please; | |
I like no such blades for a trick that I know, | 35 |
For as soon as they’ve trod they are given to crow; | |
Plain dealing is best, and I like a man well, | |
That when he has kissed will be hanged ere he’ll tell: | |
My meaning is honest, and thou art the Lad, | |
Then give it and take it where ’tis to be had. | 40 |
Alas! my dear mistris, it never can be, | |
That you can affect such a fellow as me: | |
Yet heaven forbid, since I am but your man, | |
I should ever refuse to do all I can; | |
But then if my master should know what we’ve done, | 45 |
We both should be blown up as sure as a Gun: | |
For after our joys, he would make us sad, | |
For taking it where it ought not to be had. | |
But how should he know it, thou scrupulous Elf, | |
Do’st think I’m so silly to tell him my self? | 50 |
If we are but so wise our own counsel to keep, | |
We may laugh and lye down while the sot is asleep: | |
Some hundreds I know in the city that use | |
To give to their men what their masters refuse: | |
The man is the master, the Prentice the Dad, | 55 |
For women must take it where ’tis to be had. | |
Some Prentices use it, forsooth, I allow, | |
But I am a Novice and cannot tell how: | |
However, I hope that I shall not be blamed, | |
For to tell you the truth I am somewhat asham’d; | 60 |
I know how to carry your Bible to Church, | |
But to play with my mistris I’m left in the lurch: | |
Yet if you can show me the way good or bad, | |
I’ll promise you all that there is to be had. | |
You quickly may learn it, my Johnny, for … Thus, | 65 |
Before you proceed we begin with a buss; | |
And then you must clasp me about with your arm; | |
Nay, fear me not Johnny, I’ll do thee no harm; | |
Now I sigh, now I tremble, now backwards I lie, | |
And now dear Johnny, ah now I must die: | 70 |
Oh! who can resist such a mettlesome Lad, | |
And refuse such a pleasure when ’tis to be had. | |
Alas, pretty mistris, the pleasure is such, | |
We never can give one another too much: | |
If this be the business the way is so plain, | 75 |
I think I can easily find it again: | |
’Twas thus we began; and … Thus we lye down, | |
And thus…. Oh thus! that we fell in a swoon: | |
Such sport to refuse who was ever so mad, | |
I’ll take it where ever it is to be had. | 80 |
Now, Johnny, you talk like an ignorant mome, | |
You can have such pleasures no where but at home, | |
Here’s fifty broad pieces for what you have done, | |
But see that you never a gadding do run: | |
For no new employment then trouble your brains, | 85 |
For here when you work you’ll be paid for your pains: | |
But should you deceive me no woman so sad, | |
To lose all the pleasure that once she has had. | |
A mistris so noble I never will leave, | |
’Twere a sin and a shame such a friend to deceive; | 90 |
For my Master’s shop no more will I care, | |
’Tis pleasanter handling my mistris’s ware: | |
A fig for Indentures, for now I am made | |
Free of a Gentler and pleasanter trade: | |
I know when I’m well, I was never so mad, | 95 |
To forsake a good thing when ’tis to be had. | |