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Rudyard Kipling (1865–1936). Verse: 1885–1918. 1922.

The Married Man

THE BACHELOR ’e fights for one

As joyful as can be;

But the married man don’t call it fun,

Because ’e fights for three—

For ’Im an’ ’Er an’ It

(An’ Two an’ One make Three)

’E wants to finish ’is little bit,

An’ ’e wants to go ’ome to ’is tea!

The bachelor pokes up ’is ’ead

To see if you are gone;

But the married man lies down instead,

An’ waits till the sights come on,

For ’Im an’ ’Er an’ a hit

(Direct or ricochee)

’E wants to finish ’is little bit,

An’ ’e wants to go ’ome to ’is tea.

The bachelor will miss you clear

To fight another day;

But the married man, ’e says “No fear!”

’E wants you out of the way

Of ’Im an’ ’Er an’ It

(An’ ’is road to ’is farm or the sea),

’E wants to finish ’is little bit,

An’ ’e wants to go ’ome to ’is tea.

The bachelor ’e fights ’is fight

An’ stretches out an’ snores;

But the married man sits up all night—

For ’e don’t like out-o’-doors.

’E’ll strain an’ listen an’ peer

An’ give the first alarm—

For the sake o’ the breathin’ ’e’s used to ’ear

An’ the ’ead on the thick of ’is arm.

The bachelor may risk ’is ’ide

To ’elp you when you’re downed;

But the married man will wait beside

Till the ambulance comes round.

’E’ll take your ’ome address

An’ all you’ve time to say,

Or if ’e sees there’s ’ope, ’e’ll press

Your art’ry ’alf the day—

For ’Im an’ ’Er an’ It

(An’ One from Three leaves Two),

For ’e knows you wanted to finish your bit,

An’ ’e knows ’oo’s wantin’ you.

Yes, ’Im an’ ’Er an’ It

(Our ’oly One in Three),

We’re all of us anxious to finish our bit,

An’ we want to get ’ome to our tea!

Yes, It an’ ’Er an’ ’Im,

Which often makes me think

The married man must sink or swim

An’—’e can’t afford to sink!

Oh ’Im an’ It an’ ’Er

Since Adam an’ Eve began!

So I’d rather fight with the bacheler

An’ be nursed by the married man!