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The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (17491832)
Satanic Advice to a Student
From “Faust,”
Part IM
EPHISTOPHELES, in Faust’s Gown, and S
TUDENT. Stu.But recently I’ve quitted home; | Full of devotion am I come, | A man to see and hear, whose name— | With reverence—is known to fame. Meph. | Your courtesy much flatters me! | A man like other men you see; | Pray, have you yet applied elsewhere? Stu. | I would entreat your friendly care! | I’ve youthful blood and courage high; | Of gold I bring a fair supply; | To let me go, my mother was not fain; | But here I longed true knowledge to attain. Meph. | You’ve hit upon the very place. Stu. | And yet my steps I would retrace. | These walls, this melancholy room, | O’erpower me with a sense of gloom. | The space is narrow; nothing green, | No friendly tree is to be seen; | And in these halls, with benches lined, | Sight, hearing, fail; fails, too, my mind. Meph. | It all depends on habit. Thus, at first, | The infant takes not kindly to the breast, | But before long, its eager thirst | Is fain to slake with hearty zest. | Thus at the breasts of wisdom day by day | With keener relish you’ll your thirst allay. Stu. | Upon her neck I fain would hang with joy; | To reach her, say, what means must I employ? Meph. | Explain, ere further time we lose, | What special faculty you choose. Stu. | Profoundly learnèd I would grow; | What heaven contains would comprehend; | O’er earth’s wide realm my gaze extend; | Nature and science I desire to know. Meph. | You are upon the proper track, I find; | Take heed, let nothing dissipate your mind. Stu. | My heart and soul are in the chase! | Though, to be sure, I fain would seize | On pleasant summer holidays | A little liberty and careless ease. Meph. | Use well your time, so rapidly it flies. | Method will teach you time to win; | Hence, my young friend, I would advise, | With logic’s study to begin. | Then will your mind be so well braced, | In Spanish boots so tightly laced, | That on ’twill circumspectly creep, | Thought’s beaten track securely keep; | Nor will it, ignis-fatuus like, | Into the path of error strike. | Then many a day they’ll teach you how | The mind’s spontaneous acts, till now | As eating and as drinking free, | Require a process: one, two, three! | In truth, the subtle web of thought | Is like the weaver’s fabric wrought: | One treadle moves a thousand lines, | Swift dart the shuttles to and fro, | Unseen the threads together flow, | A thousand knots one stroke combines. | Then forward steps your sage to show, | And prove to you, it must be so; | The first being so, and so the second, | The third and fourth deduc’d we see; | And if there were no first and second, | Nor third nor fourth would ever be. | This, scholars of all countries prize, | Yet ’mong themselves no weavers rise. | He who would know and treat of aught alive, | Seeks first the living spirit thence to drive; | Then are the lifeless fragments in his hand, | There only fails, alas! the spirit-band. | This process, chemists name, in learned thesis, | Mocking themselves, Naturæ encheiresis. Stu. | Your words I cannot fully comprehend. Meph. | In a short time you will improve, my friend, | When of scholastic forms you learn the use, | And how by method all things to reduce. Stu. | So doth all this my brain confound, | As if a mill-wheel there were turning round. Meph. | And next, before aught else you learn, | You must with zeal to metaphysics turn. | There see that you profoundly comprehend | What doth the limit of man’s brain transcend; | For that which is or is not in the head, | A sounding phrase will serve you in good stead. | But, before all, strive this half year | From one fix’d order ne’er to swerve. | Five lectures daily you must hear; | The hour always punctually observe! | Yourself with studious zeal prepare, | And closely in your manual look; | Hereby may you be quite aware | That all the lect’rer utters standeth in the book. | Still, write away without cessation, | As at the Holy Ghost’s dictation! Stu. | This, sir, a second time you need not say. | Your counsel I appreciate quite; | What we possess in black and white, | We can in peace and comfort bear away. Meph. | A faculty I pray you name. Stu. | For jurisprudence some distaste I own. Meph. | To me this branch of science is well known, | And hence I cannot your repugnance blame. | Customs and laws in every place, | Like a disease, an heirloom dread, | Still trail their curse from race to race, | And furtively abroad they spread. | To nonsense, reason’s self, they turn; | Beneficence becomes a pest; | Wo unto thee, that thou’rt a grandson born! | As for the law born with us, unexpressed, | That law, alas, none careth to discern! Stu. | You deepen my dislike. The youth | Whom you instruct, is blest, in sooth. | To try theology I feel inclined. Meph. | I would not lead you willingly astray, | But as regards this science, you will find, | So hard it is to shun the erring way, | And so much hidden poison lies therein, | Which scarce you can discern from medicine. | Here, too, it is the best to listen but to one, | And by the master’s words to swear alone. | To sum up all: To words hold fast! | Then the safe gate securely pass’d, | You’ll reach the fane of certainty at last. Stu. | But then, some meaning must the words convey. Meph. | Right! But o’eranxious thought you’ll find of no avail, | For there, precisely where ideas fail, | A word comes opportunely into play. | Most admirable weapons words are found; | On words a system we securely ground; | In words we can conveniently believe, | Nor of a single jot can we a word bereave. Stu. | Your pardon for my importunity, | Yet once more must I trouble you: | On medicine, I’ll thank you to supply | A pregnant utterance or two. | Three years! How brief the appointed tide! | The field, Heaven knows, is all too wide! | If but a friendly hint be thrown, | ’Tis easier then to feel one’s way. Meph. | (aside).I’m weary of the dry pedantic tone, | And must again the genuine devil play.— | Of medicine the spirit’s caught with ease; | The great and little world you study through, | That things may then their course pursue, | As Heaven please. | In vain abroad you range through science’ ample space; | Each man learns only that which learn he can; | Who knows the moment to embrace, | He is your proper man. | In person you are tolerably made, | Nor in assurance will you be deficient; | Self-confidence acquire; be not afraid; | Others will then esteem you a proficient. | Learn chiefly with the other sex to deal! | Their thousand “Ahs” and “Ohs,” | These the sage doctor knows, | And only from one point need heal. | Assume a decent tone of courteous ease; | You have them, then, to humor as you please. | First a diploma must belief infuse | That you in your profession take the lead; | You then at once those easy freedoms use | For which another many a year must plead. | Learn how to feel with nice address | The dainty wrist, and how to press, | With ardent, furtive glance, the slender waist, | To feel how tightly it is laced. Stu. | There is some sense in that! One sees the how and why. Meph. | Gray is, young friend, all theory, | And green of life the golden tree. Stu. | I swear it seemeth like a dream to me. | May I some future time repeat my visit, | To hear on what your wisdom grounds your views? Meph. | Command my humble service when you choose.
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