The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.
Martial (c. 40c. 104)Epigrams
I
I love thee not—that’s all I can reply.
On Phyllis, to provoke her spite?
The reason is, as you must own,
You want her for yourself alone.
And the blessing of numerous progeny ask.
What you crave of the gods, with suppliant tongue,
Is your own to perform—virility’s task.
One cough ejected two, another two.
Now she may cough forever, day and night;
There’s nothing left for the next cough to do.
But, as thou read’st them, they may pass for thine.
In a funnel, friend Phœbus, you might wash your feet.
That, while he shaves, the beard anew does grow.
Unless your gifts I sell. Will you buy some?
For he has left him nothing but a rope;
By a strange turn does fortune thus contrive
To make Jack wish his father were alive!
For what you buy is surely yours by right.
Thou art not vicious, but art vice itself.
Which speedily you promised to repay.
I had it not, as civ’ly I did say.
But you, by a friend’s visit then surprised,
To borrow of me silver plate devised!
Are you a fool, or I, do you suppose,
That, ’stead of ten pounds, fifty I would lose?