The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.
Popular FarceAbstraction
Room in a Private House.
H
Wife(outside).So it seems you are pleased to call me. What may it be that makes you thus call me?
Husband.Well, please to come in.
Husband.My reason for calling you is simply this: I want to tell you how much my spirits have been affected by continual dreams that I have had. That is why I have called you.
Wife.You are talking rubbish. Dreams proceed from organic disturbance, and do not come true; so pray don’t trouble your head about them.
Husband.What you say is quite correct. Dreams, proceeding as they do from organic disturbance, do not come true nine times out of ten. Still, mine have affected my spirits to such an extent that I am thinking of some pilgrimage or other to offer up prayers both on your behalf and on my own.
Wife.Then where shall you go?
Husband.I mean—to say nothing of those in the metropolis and in the suburbs—to worship at all Shinto shrines and all Buddhist temples throughout the land.
Wife.No, no! I won’t allow you to go out of the house for a single hour. If you are so completely bent upon it, choose some devotion that can be performed at home.
Husband.Some devotion to be performed at home? What devotion could it be?
Wife.Burning incense on your arm or on your head.
Husband.How thoughtlessly you do talk! What! is a devotion like that to suit me—a layman, if ever there was one?
Wife.I won’t tolerate any devotion that cannot be performed at home.
Husband.Well, I never! You are one for talking at random. Hang it! what devotion shall it be?(Reflects a few moments.)Ah, I have it! I will perform the devotion of abstraction.
Wife.Abstraction? What is that?
Husband.Your want of familiarity with the term is but natural. It is a devotion that was practised in days of old by Saint Daruma—blessings on him! You put your head under what is called the “abstraction blanket,” and obtain salvation by forgetting all things past and to come—a most difficult form of devotion.
Wife.About how long does it take?
Husband.Well, I should say about a week or two.
Wife.That won’t do, either, if it is to last so many days.
Husband.Then for how long would my darling consent to it without complaining?
Wife.About one hour is what I should suggest; but, however, if you can do it in a day, you are welcome to try.
Husband.Never, never! This important devotion is not a thing to be so easily performed within the limits of a single day. Please, won’t you grant me leave for at least a day and a night?
Wife.A day and a night?
Husband.Yes.
Wife.I don’t much relish the idea; but if you are so completely bent upon it, take a day and a night for your devotion.
Husband.Do you really mean it?
Wife.Yes, really.
Husband.Oh, that is indeed too delightful! But I have something to tell you. Know, then, that if a woman so much as peep through a chink, to say nothing of her coming into the actual room where the devotee is sitting, the spell of the devotion is instantly broken. So be sure not to come where I am.
Wife.All right. I will not come to you. So perform away.
Husband.Well, then, we will meet again after it shall have been happily accomplished.
Wife.I shall have the pleasure of seeing you when it is over.
Husband and Wife.Good-by! Good-by!(She moves away.)
Husband.Wait a moment!
Wife.What is it?
Husband.As I mentioned before, mind you don’t come to me. We have the Buddhist’s warning words, “When there is a fuss in the kitchen, to be rapt in abstraction is an impossibility.” So, whatever you do, do not come to me.
Wife.Please feel no uneasiness. I shall not think of intruding.
Husband.Well, then, we shall meet again when the devotion is over.
Wife.When it is done, I shall have the pleasure of seeing you.
Husband and Wife.Good-by! Good-by!(Exit W
Husband.What fools women are, to be sure! To think of the delight of her taking it all for truth, when I tell her that I am going to perform the religious devotion of abstraction for one whole day and night!—Taraukuwazhiya, are you there? Hullo!
Servant(without).Yes, sir!
Husband.Are you there?
Husband.Oh, you have been quick in coming.
Servant.You seem to be in good spirits, master.
Husband.For my good spirits there is a good reason. I have made, as you know, an engagement to go and visit Hana this evening. But as my old woman has got scent of the affair, thus making it difficult for me to go, I have told her that I mean to perform the religious devotion of abstraction for a whole day and night—a very good device, is it not, for carrying out my plan of going to see Hana?
Servant.A very good device indeed, sir.
Husband.But in connection with it, I want to ask you to do me a good turn. Will you?
Servant.Pray, what may it be?
Husband.Why, simply this: It is, that I have told my old woman not to intrude on my devotions; but, being the vixen that she is, who knows but what she may not peep and look in? In which case she would make a fine noise, if there were no semblance of a religious practise to be seen; and so, though it is giving you a great deal of trouble, I wish you would oblige me by taking my place until my return.
Servant.Oh, it would be no trouble; but I shall get such a scolding if I am found out, that I would rather ask you to excuse me.
Husband.What nonsense you talk! Do oblige me by taking my place; for I will not allow her to scold you.
Servant.Oh, sir, that is all very well; but pray excuse me for this time.
Husband.No, no! you must please do this for me; for I will not so much as let her point a finger at you.
Servant.Please, please let me off!
Husband.Gracious goodness! The fellow heeds what my wife says, and won’t heed what I say myself! Do you mean that you have made up your mind to brave me?(Threatening to beat him.)
Servant.Oh, I will obey!
Husband.No, no; you mean to brave me!
Servant.Oh, no, sir! surely I have no choice but to obey.
Husband.Will you really?
Servant.Yes, really.
Husband.My anger was only a feint. Well, then, take my place, please.
Servant.Yes, to be sure; if it is your desire, I will do so.
Husband.That is really too delightful! Just stop quiet while I set things to rights for you to sit in abstraction.
Servant.Your commands are laid to heart.
Husband.Sit down here.
Servant.Oh, what an unexpected honor!
Husband.Now, then; I fear it will be uncomfortable, but oblige me by putting your head under this “abstraction blanket.”
Servant.Your commands are laid to heart.
Husband.Well, it is scarcely necessary to say so; but even if my old woman should tell you to take off the abstraction blanket, be sure not to do so until my return.
Servant.Of course not. I should not think of taking it off. Pray don’t be alarmed.
Husband.I will be back soon.
Servant.Please be good enough to return quickly.
Husband.Ah, that is well over! No doubt Hana is waiting impatiently for me. I will make haste and go.(Exit.)
Servant.Oh, I know nothing about it!
Wife.Oh, how furious I am! Oh, how furious I am! Of course he must have gone to that woman’s house. Why don’t you speak? Why don’t you speak? I shall tear you in pieces!
Servant.In that case, how can I keep anything from you? Master has walked out to see Miss Hana.
Wife.What! Miss Hana, do you say? Say Minx—say Minx! Gracious me, what a rage I am in! Then he really has gone to Hana’s house, has he?
Servant.Yes, he really has gone there.
Wife.Oh, when I hear he has gone to Hana’s house, I feel all ablaze, and oh, in such a passion! Oh, I’m in such a passion!(Bursts out crying.)
Servant.Your tears are only natural.
Wife.Ah, I had meant not to let you go if you had kept it from me. But as you have told the truth, I forgive you. So get up.
Servant.I am extremely grateful for your kindness.
Wife.Now tell me, how came you to be sitting there?
Servant.It was master’s order that I should take his place; and so, although it was most repugnant to me, there was no alternative but for me to sit down, and I did so.
Wife.Naturally. Now I want to ask you to do me a good turn. Will you?
Servant.Pray, what may it be?
Wife.Why, just simply this: You will arrange the blanket on top of me, just as it was arranged on top of you. Won’t you?
Servant.Oh, your commands ought, of course, to be laid to heart; but I shall get such a scolding if the thing becomes known, that I would rather ask you to excuse me.
Wife.No, no. I will not allow him to scold you. So you must really please arrange me.
Servant.Please, please, let me off this time!
Wife.No, no. You must arrange me, as I will not so much as let him point a finger at you.
Servant.Well, then, if it comes to my getting a scolding, I count on you as an intercessor.
Wife.Of course; I will intercede for you. So do you please arrange me.
Servant.In that case, be so good as to sit down here.
Wife.All right.
Servant.I fear it will be uncomfortable, but I must ask you to put your head under this.
Wife.Please arrange me so that he cannot possibly know the difference between us.
Servant.He will never know. It will do very nicely like this.
Wife.Will it?
Servant.Yes.
Wife.Well, then, do you go and rest.
Servant.Your commands are laid to heart.(Moves away.)
Wife.Wait a moment, Taraukuwazhiya!
Servant.Yes, ma’am.
Wife.It is scarcely necessary to say so, but be sure not to tell him that it is I.
Servant.Of course not. I should not think of telling him.
Wife.It has come to my ears that you have been secretly wishing for a purse and silk wrapper. I will give you one of each, which I have worked myself.
Servant.I am extremely grateful for your kindness.
Wife.Now be off and rest.
Servant.Yes, ma’am.(Exit.)
As the world goes, this rarely happens even with the most ardent secret love; but in my case I never see her but what I care for her more and more.
Wife.Oh, how furious I am! Oh, how furious I am! To hoax me, and go off to Hana in that manner!
Husband.Oh, not at all—not at all! I never went to Hana. I have been performing my devotions; indeed I have.
Wife.What! So he means to come and tell me that he has been performing his devotions? And then into the bargain to talk about “things the old vixen would never have let drop”! Oh, I’m all ablaze with rage! Hoaxing me and going off—where? Going off—where?(Pursuing H
Husband.Not at all! not at all! I never said anything of the kind. Do, do forgive me! Do forgive me!
Wife.Oh, how furious I am! Oh, how furious I am! Where have you been, sir? Where have you been?
Husband.Well, then, why should I conceal it from you? I have been to pray both for your welfare and for my own at the Temple of the Five Hundred Disciples in Tsukushi.
Wife.Oh, how furious I am! Oh, how furious I am! As if you could have got as far as the Five Hundred Disciples!
Husband.Do, do forgive me! Do forgive me!
Wife.Oh, how furious I am! Oh, how furious I am!(H