T. R. Smith, comp. Poetica Erotica: Rare and Curious Amatory Verse. 1921–22.
The Long Vocation
Anonymous(From Pills to Purge Melancholy, c. 1707) |
IN the long Vocation, | |
When Business was scanty, | |
But Cherries, and Whores, | |
Extraordinary Plenty. | |
When News came to England, | 5 |
The best e’er was known, | |
All our Armies Victorious, | |
The French overthrown. | |
When Quality withdrew | |
To their Grottos of Pleasure, | 10 |
And Ladies to the Wells, | |
To spend their Lord’s Treasure. | |
When decrepit old Sinners, | |
To the Bath did resort, | |
For venereal Distempers, | 15 |
As well as the Sport. | |
When the Red Robe was gone, | |
To the Country Assizes, | |
And Butchers, and Carmen, | |
Were fighting of Prizes. | 20 |
When Orthodox also, | |
From the Pulpit did roar; | |
’Twas the Sins of the Nation, | |
Made our Taxes so sore. | |
When young Golden Captains, | 25 |
Did walk the Parade; | |
But a draught once in motion, | |
Were always afraid. | |
When the Cits did retire, | |
To their Country-Houses; | 30 |
Leaving Servants at home, | |
To lie with their Spouses. | |
When Wives too would junket, | |
While their Cuckolds did sleep: | |
And spend more in a Night, | 35 |
Than they got in a Week. | |
When high topping Merchants, | |
Were daily beset; | |
And Statutes of Bankrupts, | |
Filled half our Gazette. | 40 |
When Lawyers had not Money; | |
Nor Shop-keepers Trade; | |
And our Nation preparing | |
Another to invade. | |
When the Season was too hot, | 45 |
For the goggle-eyed Jews; | |
To exercise their Faculties, | |
In Drury-Lane Stews. | |
When Inns of Court-Rakes, | |
And Quill-driving Prigs, | 50 |
Flocked to St. James’s, | |
To show their long Whigs. | |
When Sodomites were so impudent, | |
To ply on the Exchange; | |
And by Day-light the Piazza’s | 55 |
Of Covent-Garden to range. | |
When the Theatre Jilts, | |
Would Shove for a Crown; | |
And for want of brisk Trading, | |
Patrolled round the Town. | 60 |
When Debauchees of both Sexes, | |
From Hospitals crept; | |
Where Nine Months at least, | |
In Flannel they slept. | |
When Drapers smugg’d Prentices, | 65 |
With Exchange Girls most jolly; | |
After Shop was shut up, | |
Could Sail to the Folly. | |
When the Amorous Thimberkins, | |
In Pater-noster-Row; | 70 |
With their Sparks on an Evening, | |
Could Coach it to Bow. | |
When Poets and Players, | |
Were so damnable poor; | |
That a Three-penny Ordinary, | 75 |
They often would Score. | |
When De Foe and the Devil, | |
At Leap-Frog did play; | |
And huffing proud Vintners, | |
Broke every Day. | 80 |
When Chamber-maids dressed, | |
In their Mistresses Clothes; | |
Walked in all Public places, | |
To Ogle the Beaus. | |
When Tally-men had no Faith, | 85 |
With Strumpets and Whores; | |
But nabbed them in the Streets, | |
By Dozens and Scores. | |
When Informers were Rogues, | |
And took double pay; | 90 |
Much worse than the Persons, | |
They are hired to betray. | |
When Serjeants were so vigilant, | |
’Twas impossible to shame ’em; | |
But whip see Jethro’, immediately, | 95 |
G—— Eternally D—— ’em. | |
When Brewers to the Victuallers | |
Was so cursed severe, | |
They scarce would give Credit, | |
For a Barrel of Beer. | 100 |
Thus it is not evident, | |
Tap-lashes don’t thrive; | |
Since they swarm in most Prisons, | |
Like Bees in a Hive? | |
But you Blue Apron Tribe, | 105 |
Let this caution prevail; | |
Be not too Saucy, | |
Lest you Rot in a Gaol. | |
At this Juncture of time, | |
I strolled to Moor-Fields; | 110 |
Much used by the Mob, | |
To exercise their Heels. | |
Also famed for a Conjurer, | |
The Devil’s head Proctor; | |
Where a little below him, | 115 |
Dwells the never born Doctor. | |
Two such Impudent Rascals, | |
For Lying and Prating; | |
That the Series of their Lives, | |
Is not worth my Relating. | 120 |
My Pockets being lined well, | |
With Rhino good store; | |
And Inclinations much bent, | |
After a thing called a Whore. | |
To gratify my Lust, | 125 |
I went to the Star; | |
Where immediately I espied, | |
A Whore in the Bar. | |
Whose Phiz was most charming, | |
And as demure as a Saint; | 130 |
But confoundedly bedaubed, | |
With Patches and Paint. | |
Sweet Lady, cried I, | |
I vow and protest; | |
The Sight of your Charms, | 135 |
Have so wounded my Breast. | |
That I am downright in Love, | |
And my Life shall Destroy; | |
If you do not admit me, | |
Your Favour to enjoy. | 140 |
Cringing in her A—— | |
The B—— then replied; | |
My favour, kind Sir, | |
Shall never be denied. | |
Will you please to walk up, | 145 |
Or be private below; | |
Here Boy, with a Bed in’t, | |
The Gentleman show. | |
Then backwards he went, | |
To a Cavern behind; | 150 |
But such an intricate Place, | |
The Devil could not find. | |
Where Wine being brought, | |
And the Fellow withdrawn; | |
I caressed her with Love, | 155 |
She made a return. | |
No Pigs in a Stye, | |
Or Goats in Bad Weather; | |
E’er nussled so close, | |
Or more Amorous together. | 160 |
We Kissed and we billed, | |
We tickled and toyed; | |
And more than once, | |
Our selves we Enjoyed. | |
But the Reckoning grew high, | 165 |
Which would make my Pocket low; | |
So how for to Bilk ’em, | |
I did not well know. | |
But at last by a Stratagem, | |
Pretending to rally; | 170 |
While she went for more Wine, | |
I whipped into an Ally. | |
And was so dexterous nimble, | |
They could not pursue; | |
So got rid of my Mistress, | 175 |
And D—— Reckoning too. | |
Recovering the Fields, | |
I was void of all Fear; | |
And the next place to Bedlam, | |
My Course I did steer. | 180 |
Where was such amphibious Crowds, | |
I ne’er saw before; | |
Harlots for the Water, | |
As well as the Shore. | |
But one above the rest, | 185 |
So wond’rous Trim; | |
You would swear she was a Hick, | |
And no common Brim. | |
Accosted me presently, | |
And called me her Love; | 190 |
But I soon did dismiss her, | |
With a Kick and a Shove. | |
For the Jade was so homely, | |
The Devil would not touch her; | |
Fit only for a Dray-man, | 195 |
Or White-Chapel Butcher. | |
But had not walked long, | |
Before a rare one I espied; | |
Bright as a Goddess, | |
And adorned like a Bride. | 200 |
With a rich Furbelow Scarf, | |
Worth at least Forty Shilling; | |
And when I asked her a Question, | |
Was extraordinary willing. | |
So to the Tavern we went, | 205 |
A Curse on the Place; | |
For her Love was so hot, | |
It soon fired my A——. | |
Where after a Flask, | |
Which I swore she should pay; | 210 |
We took both our leaves, | |
And went straight away. | |
The Plague of my Sins, | |
Made me damnable sore; | |
That my Wife soon concluded, | 215 |
I’d been with a Whore. | |
She scolded so loud, | |
And continued her Clamour; | |
I could not forbear, | |
But to C—— her and D—— her. | 220 |
We made such a Noise, | |
And confounded a Racket; | |
My Landlady knew, | |
I’d been searching the Placket. | |
And being good natured, | 225 |
To make up the Matter; | |
Came down in her Smock, | |
With Jenny her Daughter. | |
Ah! Tennant (quoth She,) | |
Let this fault be remitted; | 230 |
If he’ll beg but your Pardon, | |
He shall be acquitted. | |
For to speak by the by, | |
And I’m sure ’tis fact; | |
You and I have been guilty, | 235 |
Of many such Act. | |