T. R. Smith, comp. Poetica Erotica: Rare and Curious Amatory Verse. 1921–22.
The Court of Equity
By Robert Burns (17591796)(c. 1796; from an autograph copy in the British Museum) |
IN Truth and Honour’s name.—Amen. | |
Know all men by these presents plain, | |
The twelfth of May, at Mauchline given, | |
The year ’tween eighty-five and seven; | |
We, old practitioners by profession, | 5 |
As per extracts frae Books o’ Session, | |
In way and manner here narrated, | |
All con amore congregated, | |
Are by our brethren constituted | |
A Court of Equity; deputed, | 10 |
With special authorised direction | |
To take within our strict protection | |
The open stay-laced quondam maiden, | |
With growing life, and anguish laden, | |
Who by the miscreant is denied | 15 |
That led her thoughtless steps aside. | |
He who disowns the ruin’d fair one | |
And for her wants and woes doth care none; | |
The wretch who can deny subsistence | |
To life he raked into existence; | 20 |
The coof wha stands on clishmaclaver, | |
When lasses halflins offer favour; | |
The sneak wha, at a lasses by-job | |
Defrauds her wi’ a frig or dry-bob; | |
The knave who takes a private stroke | 25 |
Beneath his sanctimonious cloak— | |
In short, all who in any manner, | |
Shall stain the Fornicator’s Honour,— | |
To take cognizance there anent, | |
We are the judges competent. | 30 |
First,—poet BURNS he takes the chair, | |
Allow’d by all, his title’s clear; | |
He shows a duplicate pretension | |
To pass nem. con—without dissension. | |
Next, merchant Smith, our trusty fiscal, | 35 |
To cow each pertinacious rascal; | |
In this his very foes admit | |
His merit is conspicuous great. | |
Richmond, the third, our worthy clerk, | |
Our minutes he will duly mark; | 40 |
A fit dispenser o’ the law, | |
In absence o’ the other twa. | |
And fourth, our messenger at arms, | |
When failing a’ the milder terms, | |
Hunter, a willing, hearty brither, | 45 |
Weel skilled in dead and living leather. | |
Without preamble less or more said, | |
We—body politic aforesaid— | |
Shall now, wi’ due “whereas” and “wherefore,” | |
Dispatch the business we cam here for, | 50 |
And punish contravening truants, | |
At instance of our constituents; | |
And thus, by proper regulation, | |
We’ll purge the lists of fornication. | |
Our fiscal here, by his petition | 55 |
Informs us there is strong suspicion | |
That coachman Dow, and clocky Brown— | |
Baith residenters in this town,— | |
In other words, you, Jock and Sandy, | |
Hae been at warks o’ Houghmagandie; | 60 |
And now when facts are brought to light, | |
Those facts ye baith deny outright. | |
First, clocky Brown, there’s witness borne, | |
And affidavit made and sworn | |
Last Mauchline February Fair | 65 |
That Jeanie’s masts ye laid them bare; | |
For ye had furled up her sails | |
And was at play o’ heads and tails | |
And that ye wroucht a hurly-burly | |
In Jeanie Mitchell’s tirly-wurly: | 70 |
That ye her pend’lum tried to alter | |
And graizled at her regulator: | |
And further still, ye cruel vandal!— | |
A tale might e’en in hell be scandal— | |
That ye hae made repeated trials | 75 |
Wi’ dregs and droggs in doctor’s vials | |
Mixt, as ye thought, in fell infusion, | |
Your ain-begotten wean to poison; | |
And yet ye are sae scant o’ grace | |
As daur to lift your brazen face | 80 |
And offer there to give your aith | |
Ye never lifted Jeanie’s claith. | |
Next, Sandy Dow, ye are indicted— | |
As publicly ye hae been wyted— | |
For aft clandestinely up-whirlin’ | 85 |
The petticoats of Maggy’s Borlan’; | |
And gien her cannister a rattle | |
That months hereafter winna settle, | |
And yet, ye loon, ye still protest, | |
Ye never herried Maggy’s nest; | 90 |
Tho’ it’s weel-kenn’d that at her gyvel | |
Ye’ve done what Time will soon unravel. | |
Then, Brown and Dow, above designed | |
For clags and claims hereto subjoined | |
The Court aforesaid cite and summon | 95 |
That on the fourth of June just comin’, | |
The hour of cause, in our court-ha’ | |
At Whitefoord Arms, ye’ll answer a’; | |
Exculpate proof ye needna bring | |
For we’re resolved about the thing,— | 100 |
Yet, as reluctantly we punish, | |
And rather would with zeal admonish, | |
We, for that ancient secret sake | |
You have the honour to partake, | |
And for that noble badge you wear,— | 105 |
You, Sandy Dow, our brother dear, | |
We give you, as a man and mason, | |
This serious, sober, friendly lesson: | |
Your crime, a manly deed we trow it, | |
As man alone can rightly do it, | 110 |
And he’s nae man that won’t avow’t. | |
Therefore, confess, and join our core | |
And keep reproach outside the door. | |
The best o’ men hae been surprised, | |
The doucest women been advised, | 115 |
The cleverest lads hae had a trick o’t, | |
The boniest lasses taen a lick o’t; | |
Kings hae been proud our name to own— | |
The brightest jewel in their crown; | |
The rhyming sons o’ bleak Parnassus, | 120 |
Were ay red-wud about the lasses, | |
And soul and body, all would venture, | |
Rejoicing in our list to enter; | |
E’en (wha wad trow’t?)—the cleric order | |
Aft slyly break the hallow’d border, | 125 |
And show-in [kittle/certain] time and place— | |
They are as scant a’ boasted grace, | |
As ony o’ the human race. | |
So, Brother Dow, be not ashamed | |
In sic a quorum to be named, | 130 |
But lift a dauntless brow upon it, | |
And say, “I am the man has done it,— | |
I, Sandy Dow, gat Meg wi’ bairn, | |
An’ fit to do as much again!” | |
For you, John Brown, sae black your faut is, | 135 |
Sae double-dyed, we gie you notice, | |
Without ye, by a quick repentance, | |
Acknowledge Jean’s and your acquaintance | |
Remember this shall be your sentence:— | |
Our beagles to the Cross shall tak ye | 140 |
And there shall mither-naked mak ye; | |
Around the rump a rope they’ll tak, | |
And tye your hands ahint your back, | |
Wi’ jist an ell of string allow’d | |
To jink and hide ye frae the crowd; | 145 |
There shall ye stand a lawful seizure, | |
Induring Jeanie Mitchell’s pleasure, | |
So be her pleasure don’t surpass | |
Five turnings o’ a hauf-hour glass; | |
Nor shall it in her pleasure be | 150 |
To turn you loose in less than three. | |
This our futurum esse decreet, | |
We mean not to be kept a secret, | |
But in our Summons here insert it | |
And whoso dare—let him subvert it! | 155 |
Thus, marked above, the date and place is, | |
Sigillum est, per Burns the presis; | |
This Summons, wi’ the Signet mark, | |
Extractum est, per Richmond clerk; | |
At Mauchline, idem date of May | 160 |
’Tween four and five, decline of day, | |
You twa, in propria personæ, | |
Before designed, Sandy and Johnie, | |
This Summons, legally you’ve got it, | |
As vide witness under-noted, | 165 |
Within the house of John Dow, vintner, | |
Nunc facia hoc GULLELMUS HUNTER. | |