T. R. Smith, comp. Poetica Erotica: Rare and Curious Amatory Verse. 1921–22.
John and Jone
Anonymous(From Merry Drollerie, 1661) IF you will give ear, | |
And hearken a while what I shall tell, | |
I think I must come near, | |
Or else you cannot hear me well: | |
It was a maid, as I heard say, | 5 |
That in her Master’s Chamber lay, | |
For maidens must it not refuse, | |
In Yeoman’s houses they it use | |
In a truckle bed to lie, | |
Or in a bed that stands thereby, | 10 |
Her Master and Her Dame | |
Would have the maid do the same. | |
This maid she could not sleep | |
When as she heard the bedstead crack, | |
When Captain Standish stout | 15 |
Made his Dame cry out you hurt my back, | |
Fie she said you do me wrong, | |
You lie so sure my breast upon. | |
But you are such another man, | |
You’d have me do more than I can; | 20 |
Fie Master, then quoth honest Jone, | |
I pray you let my Dame alone; | |
Fie, quoth she, what a coyl you keep, | |
I cannot take no rest nor sleep. | |
This was enough to make | 25 |
A Maiden sick and full of pain, | |
For she did fling and kick, | |
And swore she’d tear her smock in twain; | |
But now to let you understand, | |
They kept a man whose name was John, | 30 |
To whom this Maiden went anon, | |
And unto him she made her moan: | |
Tell me John, tell me the same, | |
What doth my Master to my Dame? | |
Tell me John, and do not lie, | 35 |
What ails my Dame to squeak and cry? | |
Quoth John, your Master he | |
Doth give your Dame a steel at night, | |
And though she find such fault, | |
It is her only heart’s delight: | 40 |
And you Jone, for your part, | |
You would have one with all your heart; | |
Yes indeed, quoth honest Jone, | |
Therefore to thee I make my moan; | |
But John if I may be so bold, | 45 |
Where is there any to be sold? | |
At London then quoth honest John, | |
Next market day I’ll bring thee one. | |
What is the price, quoth Jone, | |
If I should chance to stand in need? | 50 |
Why twenty shillings, then quoth John | |
For twenty shillings you may speed; | |
The Maid then went unto her Chest, | |
And fetch’d him twenty shillings just: | |
There John, quoth she, here is the Coyn, | 55 |
And prithee have me in thy mind, | |
And, honest John, out of my store | |
Ill give thee two odd shillings more. | |
To market then went John, | |
When he had the money in his purse, | 60 |
He domineer’d and swore, | |
And was as stout as any horse: | |
Some he spent in Wine and Beer, | |
And some in Cakes and other good Cheer, | |
And some he carried home again | 65 |
To serve his turn another time; | |
O John, quoth she, thou’t welcome home; | |
God-a-mercy, quoth he, gentle Jone; | |
But prithee John, do let me feel, | |
Hast thou brought me home a steel? | 70 |
Yes, that I have, quoth John, | |
And then he took her by the hand, | |
He led her straight into a room | |
Where she could see nor Sun nor Moon, | |
The door to him he straight did clap, | 75 |
He put the steel into her lap, | |
And then the Maid began to feel, | |
Cods foot, quoth she, ’tis a goodey steel: | |
But tell me, John, and do not lie, | |
What makes these two things hang here by? | 80 |
O Jone, to let thee understand | |
They’re the two odd shillings thou putst in my hand | |
[If I had known so much before | |
I would have given thee two shillings more.] | |