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Home  »  Modern American Poetry  »  How Jack Found that Beans May Go Back On a Chap

Louis Untermeyer, ed. (1885–1977). Modern American Poetry. 1919.

Guy Wetmore Carryl1873–1904

How Jack Found that Beans May Go Back On a Chap

WITHOUT the slightest basis

For hypochondriasis

A widow had forebodings

which a cloud around her flung,

And with expression cynical

For half the day a clinical

Thermometer she held

beneath her tongue.

Whene’er she read the papers

She suffered from the vapors,

At every tale of malady

or accident she’d groan;

In every new and smart disease,

From housemaid’s knee to heart disease,

She recognized the symptoms

as her own!

She had a yearning chronic

To try each novel tonic,

Elixir, panacea, lotion,

opiate, and balm;

And from a homeopathist

Would change to an hydropathist,

And back again,

with stupefying calm!

She was nervous, cataleptic,

And anemic, and dyspeptic:

Though not convinced of apoplexy,

yet she had her fears.

She dwelt with force fanatical

Upon a twinge rheumatical,

And said she had a

buzzing in her ears!

Now all of this bemoaning

And this grumbling and this groaning

The mind of Jack, her son and heir,

unconscionably bored.

His heart completely hardening,

He gave his time to gardening,

For raising beans was

something he adored.

Each hour in accents morbid

This limp maternal bore bid

Her callous son affectionate

and lachrymose good-bys.

She never granted Jack a day

Without some long “Alackaday!”

Accompanied by

rolling of the eyes.

But Jack, no panic showing,

Just watched his beanstalk growing,

And twined with tender fingers

the tendrils up the pole.

At all her words funereal

He smiled a smile ethereal,

Or sighed an absent-minded

“Bless my soul!”

That hollow-hearted creature

Would never change a feature:

No tear bedimmed his eye, however

touching was her talk.

She never fussed or flurried him,

The only thing that worried him

Was when no bean-pods

grew upon the stalk!

But then he wabbled loosely

His head, and wept profusely,

And, taking out his handkerchief

to mop away his tears,

Exclaimed: “It hasn’t got any!”

He found this blow to botany

Was sadder than were all

his mother’s fears.

The Moral is that gardeners pine

Whene’er no pods adorn the vine.

Of all sad words experience gleans

The saddest are: “It might have beans.”

(I did not make this up myself:

’Twas in a book upon my shelf.

It’s witty, but I don’t deny

It’s rather Whittier than I!)