Juan Valera (1824–1905). Pepita Jimenez.
The Harvard Classics Shelf of Fiction. 1917.
June 18th
T
I shall soon have the happiness of embracing you. Near you I shall be stronger. You will infuse courage into me, and lend me the energy in which I am wanting.
A tempest of conflicting emotions is now raging in my soul. The disorder of my ideas may be known by the disorder of what I write.
Twice I returned to the house of Pepita. I was cold and stern. I was as I ought to have been, but how much did it not cost me!
My father told me yesterday that Pepita was indisposed, and would not receive.
The thought at once assailed me that the cause of her indisposition might be her ill-requited love.
Why did I return her glances of fire? Why did I basely deceive her? Why did I make her believe I loved her? Why did my vile lips seek hers with ardor, and communicate the ardor of an unholy love to hers?
But no; my sin shall not be followed, as its unavoidable consequence, by another sin!
What has been, has been, and can not be undone; but a repetition of it may be avoided—shall be avoided in future.
On the 25th, I repeat, I shall depart from here without fail.
The impudent Antoñona has just come to see me. I hid this letter from her, as if it were a crime to write to you.
Antoñona remained here only for a moment.
I arose, and remained standing while I spoke to her, that the visit might be a short one.
During this short visit she gave utterance to a thousand mad speeches, which disturbed me greatly. Finally, as she was going away, she exclaimed, in her half-gipsy jargon.
“You deceiver! You villain! My curse upon you! You have made the child sick, and now you are killing her by your desertion. May witches fly away with you, body and bones!” Having said this, the fiendish woman gave me, in a coarse vulgar fashion, six or seven ferocious pinches below the shoulders, as if she would like to tear the skin from my back in strips, and then went away, looking daggers at me.
I do not complain. I deserve this brutal jest, granting it to be a jest. I deserve that fiends should tear my flesh with red-hot pincers.
Grant, my God, that Pepita may forget me! Let her, if it be necessary, love another, and be happy with him!
Can I ask more than this of Thee, oh, my God?
My father knows nothing, suspects nothing. It is better thus.
Farewell for a few days, till we see and embrace each other again.
How changed will you find me! How full of bitterness my heart! How soiled my purity! How bruised and wounded my soul!