Edmund Clarence Stedman, ed. (1833–1908). A Victorian Anthology, 1837–1895. 1895.
Frederick Locker-Lampson 182195On an Old Muff
T
What is this meets my hand,
Moth-eaten, mouldy, and
Cover’d with fluff?
Faded, and stiff, and scant;
Can it be? no, it can’t,—
Yes, I declare, it ’s Aunt
Prudence’s muff!
Old Uncle Doubledee
Gave it to Aunty P.
Laughing and teasing:
“Prue of the breezy curls,
Whisper those solemn churls,
What holds a pretty girl’s
Hand without squeezing?”
Gay, but, I grieve to add,
Sinful, if smoking bad
Baccy’s a vice:
Glossy was then this mink
Muff, lined with pretty pink
Satin, which maidens think
“Awfully nice!”
Aunt in her hood and train
Glide, with a sweet disdain,
Gravely to Meeting:
Psalm-book, and kerchief new,
Peep’d from the Muff of Prue;
Young men, and pious too,
Giving her greeting.
Then; from this Muff, it ’s said,
Tracts she distributed:
Converts (till Monday!),
Lur’d by the grace they lack’d,
Follow’d her. One, in fact,
Ask’d for—and got—his tract
Twice of a Sunday!
Soon this bold ne’er-do-well,
Aunt’s too susceptible
Heart undermining,
Slipp’d, so the scandal runs,
Notes in the pretty nun’s
Muff,—triple-corner’d ones,
Pink as its lining.
Fled (to oblige her blade!)
Whilst her friends thought that they ’d
Lock’d her up tightly:
After such shocking games
Aunt is of wedded dames
Gayest, and now her name’s
Mrs. Golightly.
Sadder I never saw.
Faith still I ’ve in the law
Of compensation.
Once Uncle went astray,
Smok’d, jok’d, and swore away;
Sworn by he ’s now, by a
Large congregation.
Now he ’s (he once was thin)
Grave, with a double chin,—
Blest be his fat form!
Changed is the garb he wore,
Preacher was never more
Priz’d than is Uncle for
Pulpit or platform.
Mortals of slender wits,
Then beg this Muff and its
Fair Owner pardon:
All ’s for the best, indeed
Such is my simple creed:
Still I must go and weed
Hard in my garden.