T. R. Smith, comp. Poetica Erotica: Rare and Curious Amatory Verse. 1921–22.
John and Jone
Anonymous(From Merry Drollerie, 1661) IF you will give ear, | |
| And hearken a while what I shall tell, | |
| I think I must come near, | |
| Or else you cannot hear me well: | |
| It was a maid, as I heard say, | 5 |
| That in her Master’s Chamber lay, | |
| For maidens must it not refuse, | |
| In Yeoman’s houses they it use | |
| In a truckle bed to lie, | |
| Or in a bed that stands thereby, | 10 |
| Her Master and Her Dame | |
| Would have the maid do the same. | |
| This maid she could not sleep | |
| When as she heard the bedstead crack, | |
| When Captain Standish stout | 15 |
| Made his Dame cry out you hurt my back, | |
| Fie she said you do me wrong, | |
| You lie so sure my breast upon. | |
| But you are such another man, | |
| You’d have me do more than I can; | 20 |
| Fie Master, then quoth honest Jone, | |
| I pray you let my Dame alone; | |
| Fie, quoth she, what a coyl you keep, | |
| I cannot take no rest nor sleep. | |
| This was enough to make | 25 |
| A Maiden sick and full of pain, | |
| For she did fling and kick, | |
| And swore she’d tear her smock in twain; | |
| But now to let you understand, | |
| They kept a man whose name was John, | 30 |
| To whom this Maiden went anon, | |
| And unto him she made her moan: | |
| Tell me John, tell me the same, | |
| What doth my Master to my Dame? | |
| Tell me John, and do not lie, | 35 |
| What ails my Dame to squeak and cry? | |
| Quoth John, your Master he | |
| Doth give your Dame a steel at night, | |
| And though she find such fault, | |
| It is her only heart’s delight: | 40 |
| And you Jone, for your part, | |
| You would have one with all your heart; | |
| Yes indeed, quoth honest Jone, | |
| Therefore to thee I make my moan; | |
| But John if I may be so bold, | 45 |
| Where is there any to be sold? | |
| At London then quoth honest John, | |
| Next market day I’ll bring thee one. | |
| What is the price, quoth Jone, | |
| If I should chance to stand in need? | 50 |
| Why twenty shillings, then quoth John | |
| For twenty shillings you may speed; | |
| The Maid then went unto her Chest, | |
| And fetch’d him twenty shillings just: | |
| There John, quoth she, here is the Coyn, | 55 |
| And prithee have me in thy mind, | |
| And, honest John, out of my store | |
| Ill give thee two odd shillings more. | |
| To market then went John, | |
| When he had the money in his purse, | 60 |
| He domineer’d and swore, | |
| And was as stout as any horse: | |
| Some he spent in Wine and Beer, | |
| And some in Cakes and other good Cheer, | |
| And some he carried home again | 65 |
| To serve his turn another time; | |
| O John, quoth she, thou’t welcome home; | |
| God-a-mercy, quoth he, gentle Jone; | |
| But prithee John, do let me feel, | |
| Hast thou brought me home a steel? | 70 |
| Yes, that I have, quoth John, | |
| And then he took her by the hand, | |
| He led her straight into a room | |
| Where she could see nor Sun nor Moon, | |
| The door to him he straight did clap, | 75 |
| He put the steel into her lap, | |
| And then the Maid began to feel, | |
| Cods foot, quoth she, ’tis a goodey steel: | |
| But tell me, John, and do not lie, | |
| What makes these two things hang here by? | 80 |
| O Jone, to let thee understand | |
| They’re the two odd shillings thou putst in my hand | |
| [If I had known so much before | |
| I would have given thee two shillings more.] | |