T. R. Smith, comp. Poetica Erotica: Rare and Curious Amatory Verse. 1921–22.
To Choose a Friend, but Never Marry
Anonymous(From Pills to Purge Melancholy, 1719) |
TO all young Men that love to Woo, | |
| To Kiss and Dance, and Tumble too; | |
| Draw near and counsel take of me, | |
| Your faithful Pilot I will be: | |
| Kiss who you please, Joan, Kate, or Mary, | 5 |
| But still this Counsel with you carry, | |
| Never Marry. | |
| Court not a Country Lady, she | |
| Knows not how to value thee; | |
| She hath no am’rous Passion, but | 10 |
| What Tray, or Quando has for Slut: | |
| To Lick, to Whine, to Frisk, or Cover, | |
| She’ll suffer thee, or any other, | |
| Thus to Love her. | |
| Her Daughter she’s now come to Town, | 15 |
| In a rich Linsey Woolsey Gown; | |
| About her Neck a valued Prize, | |
| A Necklace made of Whitings Eyes: | |
| With List for Garters ’bove her Knee, | |
| And Breath that smells of Firmity, | 20 |
| ’s not for thee. | |
| Of Widows’ Witchcrafts have a care, | |
| For if they catch you in their Snare; | |
| You must as daily Laborers do, | |
| Be still a shoving with your Plow: | 25 |
| If any rest you do require, | |
| They then deceive you of your Hire, | |
| And retire. | |
| The Maiden Ladies of the Town, | |
| Are scarcely worth your throwing down; | 30 |
| For when you have possession got, | |
| Or Venus Mark, or Honey-pot: | |
| There’s such a stir with, marry me, | |
| That one would half forswear to see | |
| Any she. | 35 |
| If that thy Fancy do desire, | |
| A glorious out-side, rich Attire; | |
| Come to the Court, and there you’ll find, | |
| Enough of such to Please your Mind: | |
| But if you get too near their Lap, | 40 |
| You’re sure to meet with a Mishap. | |
| Called a Clap. | |
| With greasy painted Faces dressed, | |
| With buttered Hair, and fucus’d Breast; | |
| Tongues with Dissimulation tipped, | 45 |
| Lips which a Million have them sipped: | |
| There’s nothing got by such as these, | |
| But Aches in Shoulders, Pains in Knees | |
| For your Fees. | |
| In fine, if thou delight’st to be, | 50 |
| Concern’d in Woman’s Company: | |
| Make it the Study of thy Life, | |
| To find a Rich, young, handsome Wife: | |
| That can with much discretion be | |
| Dear to her Husband, kind to thee, | 55 |
| Secretly. | |
| In such a Mistress, there’s the Bliss, | |
| Ten Thousand Joys wrapt in a Kiss; | |
| And in th’ Embraces of her Waist, | |
| A Million more of Pleasures taste: | 60 |
| Who e’er would Marry that could be | |
| Blest with such Opportunity, | |
| Never me! | |